How do you best stand by your jobless man?

A man's worth is tied to his work. the psychologists tell us. But what do men have to say about this themselves?

My husband, Marco, graphic designer and personal Exhibit A, got laid off the first week of January. I asked him whether he thought work defined him. "I don't like to think I'm that easily defined," he answered. He does think that his lack of a perma-job tests our relationship; he's worried that he is letting me down. "I feel like as part of this partnership, I'm supposed to have a plan, and right now my plan consists of possibilities and speculations," he says. He wonders if he's disappointing any expectation of mine that he'd become more of "a hunter" now that he's lost a job, someone who pulls together his design portfolio while updating his CV in no time, acting über-entrepreneurial all the while. You know, he says, an alpha male.

And there it was: those two words that even the most liberated of women still find ourselves hunting for, even in our most beloved of gatherer-type men. That phrase—headline and subtext of all those recent New York Times articles about the emasculating effects of recession—leaves me with a question that stings my feminist soul: In this era of third-wave feminism and breadwinning wives, are women like me still really looking, in prospective partners or current ones, for alpha men?

There are myths swirling around topics of gender and gender relations during this time of economic crisis, and there are truths wrapped up in enigmas the way chocolate encircles an almond in a Hershey's kiss. What's true? What's false? And how do we, as alpha women, stay true—ideologically—to our newly un- or underemployed men?

First, let's take the idea that work alone defines men. That maxim is more adage than fact. Current research finds that younger men's ambitions are often differently focused than their largely career-driven fathers. Research conducted before this latest downturn found increasing numbers of younger men turning their backs on 24/7 "extreme jobs." Surveys of college-educated men found them wanting less responsibility at work. Surprisingly high numbers of Generations X and Y men said they would sacrifice pay and promotion if it meant spending more time at home. A study by the Radcliffe Public Policy Center found that 71 percent of men ages 21-39 were willing to sacrifice raises and career advancement in order to have a work schedule that allowed them to spend more time with their families. Another, by the Families and Work Institute, reported that while 68 percent of men in 1992 said they wanted to move into jobs with more responsibility, that number fell to 52 percent in 2002.

Among the college-educated elite, position and salary alone no longer define American manhood. When he's not busy freelancing, Marco, for one, has been catching up on ancient religious history and studying the careers of his favorite jazz musicians to unwind. While I sure wish he were spending this time focusing on his portfolio, he assures me that this is helping him connect with his core.