A preview of crowd-sourced medical reviews.

Dr. Lance Abajekian, cosmetic surgeon, Tucson, Ariz.
"Code blue!" warn former patients of "Dr. McNightmarey"; "I'd rather give 1,000 stool samples" than submit to "assisted suicide" by this "real-life Hannibal Lecter." His "serious B.O." and "chewing gum and paper clips" equipment that "even eBay wouldn't take" might be "forgivable" were it not for the "hit-or-miss survival rate" among "previously healthy rhinoplasty patients."

Dr. Richard Zalewski, urologist, Knoxville, Tenn.
While calling his "hottie nurses" and "free pens" a "shot in the arm," patients say that "Dr. Dick" is "a bigger clown than Patch Adams" who has "an acute case of jackass-itis" and "makes Dr. Seuss look like the surgeon general."

Windy City Surgical Associates, Chicago
You "don't have to be a brain surgeon" to recognize the "malpractice" at "Chicago Hopeless," as critics call this "medieval abattoir," where young graduates of "unaccredited Caribbean diploma mills" with "less peach fuzz than Doogie Howser" are "stingy with the Demerol" and have bedside manners "to make Mengele proud."

Dr. Dre, Los Angeles
"Puzzled" "would-be patients" complain that "this doctor is not open for business" and speak of a "posse" of "inappropriately dressed male orderlies" who "use profanity" and must have taken the "hypocritical oath"; "the whole operation" looks "more like a gangsta rapper's studio" than a "licensed medical facility."

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