TBM imagines what may soon be.

TO: Walt Disney Co. Employees

FROM: Bob Iger, president and CEO of Walt Disney Co.

Dear Mouseketeers:

As you no doubt have heard, Disney (DIS) made the visionary move to acquire Marvel Entertainment (MVL) this morning. It'll cost us $4 billion, a number that many think is far too high given an economy unlike any since Steamboat Willie was whistling down the river. But I assure you $4 billion is a pittance when you consider the dramatic synergy opportunities that are now open to us. We are the protectors of a classic, though aging, Disney brand; we need fresh legs. With Marvel, we aren't just bringing new thoroughbreds into the Disney stable; we're forcing them to mate and tossing the offspring out into the world. Now that the merger is complete, I thought it only appropriate to share our thinking with you, the employees who will execute these new tie-ins.

• As I said on today's conference call announcing the merger, "sparks will fly" when we throw Pixar and Marvel together. Case in point: Toy Story 3, which was to be another buddy-toy comedy starring Buzz and Woody. Its lead roles will now go to Wolverine and Cyclops action figures instead.
• We're very excited to finally reveal the identity of Lost's smoke monster. In all future reruns and DVD releases of Lost, the monster will not be a cloud of black smoke but a trail of silver surf. We're still in talks about what this means for the series's final season. If this is successful, look for professor Xavier to replace Carl in future sequels of Up.
• In advance of Thor's 2011 release, all SportsCenter anchors must now cycle some of his catchphrases into their shtick. "I say thee nay!" should be used for any dramatic save in a hockey highlight. "By Odin's beard!" is suggested as an exclamation for anything that would currently be called "unbelievable." And to boost Fantastic Four DVD sales, "Flame on!" is the best way to describe a basketball player who is heating up.
• ABC's Saturday morning lineup, now a wasteland of laugh-tracked Disney Channel reruns, will return to its cartoon past. Premiering next year: Marvel Academy¸ a marquee opportunity for Disney's most beloved characters to learn the tricks of the superhero trade from the characters who know it best. Think of the high jinks! Goofy gets his face charred by Iron Man's jet thrusters. Mickey and Minnie attempt the upside-down kiss of Peter Parker and Mary Jane. Pluto asks Beast if he'll advise an independent study on Proust. The kids are going to love it.
• Every time Bill Simmons alludes to The Godfather, Shawshank Redemption, or Rocky in an ESPN.com column, he must also quote from Howard the Duck, Elektra, or Ghost Rider.
• The Disney Channel will be bringing Spider-Man to high school by adapting Spider-Man's plight. Think High School Musical meets The Secret World of Alex Mack. Demi Lovato to star as Mary Jane.
• A Fantastic Four vs. The Incredibles video game has always been as destined to be as Dr. Doom's downfall.
• Marvel and Sony were thwarted in its attempts to brand MLB bases with Spider-Man's logo a few years ago. But now ESPN can help. During all Sunday Night Baseball broadcasts, we'll be treating the bases as green screens so we can overlay Marvel characters on the bases. Opening Day 2010, Iron Man 2 will be the first to debut.
• Disney has had great success slapping our extraordinary characters on ordinary foods. Kids just can't seem to say no to Hannah Montana cherries. So next fall, to coincide with a new master set of Hulk movies—Eric Bana or Ed Norton? You decide!—we'll be unveiling Hulk-branded spinach. PR, let's talk about how best to spin the mild level of steroids we'll be pumping into the leaves.
• Rogue will now be included in Disney's repertoire of princesses. Her penchant for gloves makes her a perfect fit, though she's been resistant to putting on the more elegant elbow-lengths.
• And of course there will be changes to our theme parks. There will be long-term investments in rides like the Iron Man Plunge, a Tower of Terror-style drop that simulates Tony Stark's equipment malfunction from the first Iron Man. But that's far in the future. For now, we're looking for volunteers to dress as Marvel characters for a dozen hours every day. Also, we'll need more street sweepers to pick up the Spider-Man webs that patrons will be spurting from the parks' gift shops. And don't forget about the new, daily Vaudeville act where Hugh Jackman, as Wolverine, tries to become the fourth Jonas Brother.

As you can see, we all have an exciting future in store. We are, of course, open to any other ideas. (How, for example, should we best use Captain America?) E-mail me with any brilliant synergies you come up with.

Your Avenger in Chief,
Bob Iger